by Clair Hamilton
It has been fantastic to see the way that the church has adapted during this time - Sunday service videos, home groups and prayer groups meeting together on the internet, youth Zooms…. During crises, as a church we work harder, support people, donate money and food - we are brilliant!
However, despite all of this I have been struggling with a deep, pit of my stomach sadness. A sorrow that I try to squash as I push forward with teaching the girls, and studying with Westminster Theological College. The problem is that it won’t go away. I haven’t been sleeping that well. I am a social person, and although I go out for a run, it’s just not using up my energy and at night I often sit and watch the hours tick by. Maybe it’s just me…. but maybe not.
I listened to a talk on Psalm 42 and it struck a real chord with me. Psalm 42 is a psalm of lament and was originally joined as one psalm with Psalm 43 - it’s unknown when they became separated. I think that the psalms of lament in the Bible are an incredible gift from God. God knows that things are not always easy and through the psalms of lament we have a model of how we can express this to God. Jesus quotes a psalm of lament when on the cross saying ‘Why have you forsaken me?’ (Matthew 27:46, Psalm 22:1) If we know that Jesus used psalms of lament, we know that we can too.
Psalms of lament often contain 5 stages but as with any grief, we won’t necessarily work through these stages in a nice order. Often in the psalms, we find that the psalmist moves between the stages, going back and forth and repeating things. The 5 stages may look a bit like this, using Psalm 42 and 43 as an example.
1. An address to God
“As the deer pants for streams of water,
so my soul pants for you, my God.”
2. A time of telling God what is wrong
“My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When can I go and meet with God?
My tears have been my food day and night,
while people say to me all day long,
“Where is your God?”
3. A petition to God
“Vindicate me, my God,
and plead my cause
against an unfaithful nation.
Rescue me from those who are
deceitful and wicked.”
4. A Vow to praise God
“Then I will go to the altar of God,
to God, my joy and my delight.”
5. Worship
“ for I will yet praise him,
my Saviour and my God.”
We see in Psalm 42 the psalmist rocks back and forth between stages 2 and 4 drawing on past memories as he makes his vow to praise.
When we are full of sorrow, we need to allow ourselves time to do this. These words have been written by the Northumbria Community:
“Do not hurry as you walk with grief;
it does not help the journey.
Walk slowly, pausing often:
do not hurry as you walk with grief.
Be not disturbed by memories
that come unbidden.
Swiftly forgive; and let
Christ speak for you unspoken words.
Unfinished conversation
will be resolved in him.
Be not disturbed.
Be gentle with the one
who walks with grief.
If it is you, be gentle with yourself.
Swiftly forgive;
walk slowly, pausing often.
Take time, be gentle
as you walk with grief.”
I feel like there is a sense of grief at the moment. For those who have lost a loved one then this is obvious but also for those who have lost work or business, or those who feel deeply the loss of community. We must allow ourselves time to walk through this process. Using the psalms as a guide can really help us do this or writing our own psalms. Perhaps taking the 5 stages mentioned earlier and composing something that fits the situation that you are in. Here is mine:
Oh God, where are you in this mess
Where we see each other face to face,
but have many miles between us.
Where we sit and wait, helpless to defend ourselves
praying protection over loved ones while watching thousands die.
I long to join with my family,
to praise you, to eat and to hug.
We leave bags of food on a doorstep,
we must content ourselves with a wave from a window.
Heal us God and bring us peace.
Bring healing to our world
Bring wisdom to our leaders
Bring skill to our doctors and scientists.
We will stand together again.
We will start our services late
as minutes slip by in sharing this week’s news.
We will mourn and praise together.
You God are worthy of praise.
Psalm 42 spoke to me particularly as the psalmist is remembering back to one of the times that he has travelled to the temple to worship. This would have been one of the three times a year that the Israelites would have travelled to the temple. The journey is part of the celebration. They are united as a community going to worship God. Zoom and other social media are great, but I am not sure that I will ever get used to seeing other people worship whilst we are all on mute! I have a deep longing to join in sung worship with everyone.
For a couple of weeks, I have been looking for all the positives. All the good things that we are learning through this. All the positive lasting change that will come from this. There is absolutely a place for that, but right now I am letting myself grieve a little bit, expressing these feelings of loss to God. I am choosing to be disciplined in prayer and worship but giving myself space and time to lament. Matt is being gentle with me when I achieve little during the day, when he manages to paint a wall, weed the garden and still spend time working as a teacher!
So I encourage you, if this resonates with you, to give yourself some time and space to lament. Use the psalms if you can, but know that God is there with you in it. He will be gentle with you, drawing you out into a place of praise. Be real with him and let him meet you.
